


Tarnished

by still_lycoris



Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, Bondage, Established Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-02-04
Updated: 2008-02-04
Packaged: 2019-09-24 07:40:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17096597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/still_lycoris/pseuds/still_lycoris
Summary: Ide knows exactly what Matsuda wants - and yet perhaps he doesn't know at all.





	Tarnished

The only problem with fucking Matsuda was that sometimes, Ide felt it was vaguely like taking advantage of a teenager.

It wasn’t that Matsuda didn’t know what he was doing (even though his kisses were sometimes over-eager and clumsy and his hands were unusually hot when he slid them under Ide’s shirt) It wasn’t that he wasn’t experienced (he’d suggested the handcuffs himself when Ide had muttered irritably that he wanted Matsuda to stop grabbing at him like an enthusiastic octopus and Ide had found the image somewhat irresistible) It was just ... something about him. Something young and untouched, no matter how many times Ide pressed him against the nearest surface, kissing and touching and biting that stupidly fresh skin, no matter how many times his dug his nails into Matsuda’s hips and thrust into him, no matter how many times he heard Matsuda cry out in bliss, that untouched feeling just didn’t seem to tarnish.

“You left bruises,” Matsuda said once and he’d looked at Ide with a sort of offended, bewildered look, as though Ide had just kicked him for no reason, like a child that didn’t understand that life sometimes wasn’t fair, that life screwed you over more times than you could count. How could Matsuda be like that when he was a policeman, when he saw the things that people did? Ide knew the man’s childhood had been far from idyllic so where did that inner child hail from?

Ide couldn’t understand it. And he didn’t like that it made him feel guilty.

_Do you actually like me doing this to you?_ he wanted to ask, as Matsuda squirmed and moaned beneath him, cold metal around his wrists, pleading for Ide to touch him a little bit more. _Is this really what you want? Or are you just seeking something else?_

_And if you are, what is it that you’re seeking?_

But the questions stuck in his throat and instead he concentrated on Matsuda’s skin, touching and stroking the whiteness of it, trying to find non-existent blemishes and Matsuda murmured meaningless words and lifted his body up to Ide’s, desperate and needy and Ide was helpless before that, helpless before the unnatural sort of purity that Matsuda seemed to have.

(but how could he be pure, how could you see anyone as pure when you’d seen them wanton and pleading, hands cuffed above their head, dripping with sweat, mouth swollen with kisses, legs spread in anticipation for you? Didn’t make sense but it was true all the same, Matsuda was pure and somehow sweet and completely irresistible)

“Do you love me?” Matsuda mumbled sleepily once and Ide had simply uncuffed his hands and ruffled his hair because it was such a stupid question, such a _childish_ thing to bring _love_ into it and anyway, he didn’t know what to say. Matsuda hadn’t seemed to expect an answer, anyway. He curled an arm around Ide’s waist and slept, totally peaceful and Ide felt that vague shameful feeling wash over him again and tried to ignore it because Matsuda was who he was and that was really what Ide liked about him. Innocence was hard to find these days and even if it was sometimes a little weird, well, that was Matsuda and Matsuda _was_ a little weird.

Then the Kira case began. Ide had thought that might change Matsuda and it did but only little bits, almost indiscernible. Sometimes Matsuda’s smile would fade into a bewildered frown and he’d read the reports and look at Ide with that hurt child look and ask why anyone would do such things. And Ide had no answer, so often he silenced Matsuda with kisses and embraces until Matsuda was murmuring his name and clutching at Ide’s shoulders with sweaty, grasping fingers. Ide always waited until the fingers were painful before unhooking them and reaching for handcuffs. It was part of it, letting Matsuda feel and touch until he couldn’t any more and then Matsuda would twist beneath him, almost helpless but never quite.

“Why do you like that?” Ide once asked, as he undid the handcuffs.

“Don’t know,” Matsuda murmured, already falling asleep. He always fell asleep after sex, snuggled against Ide as though Ide was a security blanket. “Just makes it feel good. Don’t have … like to show that I trust you … ”

Ide found himself oddly flattered by the remark. It was good to be trusted. Even if it was by Matsuda, who trusted everyone. Still … special.

Matsuda had less time for him after the Kira case began. After Ide walked out, he hardly saw Matsuda for weeks at a time and when he did, things were strained. Matsuda was tired and fretful and although he said he didn’t mind that Ide had left, Ide wondered if he was lying. Matsuda wasn’t the type to lie though. And his eyes were still full of hope.

Ide thought nothing could ever kill that hope.

L died. Yagami Light took over. Ide joined the task force then and he couldn’t help noticing the way Matsuda smiled at Light, the way he did anything he was asked, the way that Light would touch his hand lightly sometimes and smile back, a soft, seductive sort of smile and how Matsuda would flush every now and then from it and stand a little too close to Light and Light would let him.

Ide would have died before admitting that he was jealous. 

“Tell me you need me!” he ordered once as they kissed on his bed, Matsuda eager and pliant beneath him, body warm and soft and perfect.

“I need you!” Matsuda rasped back, pressing up into him, those hard fingers squeezing and pinching. “Need you, please, Ide … ”

Ide pushed his hands away easily, no longer needing to fumble or struggle with the handcuffs after such a time. The click as they fastened around Matsuda’s wrists made him shiver and he saw Matsuda close his eyes and almost visibly relax, his body lifting a little into Ide’s, silently begging for more. Ide kissed him, hard kisses that pressed Matsuda’s mouth back into his teeth and Matsuda moaned and struggled to kiss back just as hard, even though his instinct was clearly to lie back and let Ide do whatever he wanted. Ide continued to kiss, reaching down between Matsuda’s legs, stroking and touching for a few minutes, listening to Matsuda’s breath grow faster, more urgent. Usually, he spent time preparing Matsuda but that night, he hardly spent any time at all, thrusting into Matsuda and enjoying the way Matsuda thrust back, sweating and flushed, lip caught between his teeth to stop himself crying out as Ide fucked him harder and faster than he had for a while.

Ide felt a little ashamed of himself afterwards. But Matsuda cuddled up as normal and smiled and asked hopefully if they could meet up more regularly because his apartment seemed a bit dark and lonely these days after long days at work. After everything they went through, sometimes it was nice just to be with someone. Ide made non-committal noises and told himself firmly that he was not at all interested in getting too involved with Matsuda. Even if he wanted Matsuda to need him and want him and not to flirt with pretty boys like Light …

“We will beat Kira, won’t we?” Matsuda asked and that inner child was trembling, begging for reassurance which Ide struggled to provide because he didn’t _know_ and he wanted them to, he wanted them to very much and it would be so easy to lie to the hope-filled child part of Matsuda but the adult Matsuda and the adult Ide would know it was a lie. So he simply shrugged and said they had a good chance as long as Matsuda didn’t screw up and Matsuda laughed sheepishly and laid his head on Ide’s shoulder and Ide found himself feeling like a teenager as he blushed.

They did beat Kira. But not in the way that Ide wanted. Light Yagami’s face twisted with hate as they stared at him in horror, as they realised that the past five years had been a shattering lie. Ide had been prepared. Matsuda had not.

“Why?” he screamed at Ide later after Ide had taken him home, made him coffee. “Why would he do that?! He was one of us! He was the Chief’s son! He was _perfect!_ ”

Ide didn’t know what to say and childishly, stupidly, all he could concentrate on was the jealousy at hearing his lover describe another man as _perfect._ He reached out for Matsuda but Matsuda pulled away and muttered that Ide ought to leave, that he was going to bed.

Ide thought it best if he gave Matsuda some space.

Matsuda improved of course. They all did. Life was returning to as normal as it had ever been (could ever be) and routines were beginning again. Ide kept a close eye on Matsuda, watching his smile grow and his eyes light up again. But it wasn’t the same. Ide had thought no one could kill the inner child in Matsuda. He’d been wrong. Light Yagami had done it.

“Don’t,” Matsuda said in a low voice when Ide reached for the handcuffs.

“Why not?” Ide asked, a dull feeling suddenly in his stomach.

“I don’t want to,” Matsuda said simply, looking away.

He didn’t have to say that he no longer trusted anyone enough to be handcuffed and at their mercy. Ide understood it all too clearly.

“I love you,” he said quietly as Matsuda curled up away from him on the other side of the bed.

Matsuda didn’t reply.

Probably, he was already asleep.


End file.
